Life’s Twisted Games

Chase your dreams or regret having not for life. The game of things you should, could, or would have done or said once the moments past. The lessons of love and romance that hit extra hard when you really needed it to, or to remind you of what’s gone.

Life seems to like knocking me down, each time upping its game to knock me down that much farther. But each time it has, I’ve risen from those depths with a much clearer understanding of myself. I’ve fallen flat on my face attempting to chase my dreams, and I’ve had the rug pulled out from under me while succeeding at them. I’ve known love of a pure kind, of a twisted kind, and of the forgiving kind given from myself. I’ve learned to stop playing the game of should/could/would have, replacing it with the game of I will, and now.

I’ve hung onto thoughts and feelings far longer than I should have, and its cost me greatly, but its also rewarded me after the fact, but it’s taken me this long to realize it. I know my self worth, in employability, as friend, and as romantic partner. I know what I can give, how long I can keep giving it without faltering, and know when a break is needed to replenish the stores that is me. I’ve come to understand what I could let slide in life around me, as well as never allow a second time. It’s taken pain, lots of it, to the point where you stop having to tell your story, so that those listening can ask you the same question, “how do you do it?”. They want to know how I’ve kept going after everything that’s tripped me up; every twist in the path I’m going down. I don’t know how I do it, to be honest, just that I keep doing so.

As it continues to knock me down, so shall I rise against it each time, pushing that much harder back at life’s games, until some day, I won’t need to push anymore…

Dedications Waltz

How do you tell yourself that everything will be okay in the end? How do you tell yourself that it’s really over? How do you force yourself to stop fighting for something you know in your heart is where you are supposed to follow, and ultimately be? How do you put those feelings aside, and let them slowly fade away into the nothingness, when they’re all you think about during your waking and sleeping life?

In a dream, an ambulance racing through traffic in an emergency, crashed head-on into cement-encased steel barriers. No one else was hurt in the crash, but I was the one driving; I crashed head-on into them. There’s no way to survive something like that, and moments later, I was standing behind the wreckage, watching the passenger, who was being rushed away, get pulled out without a scratch on him. I however, wasn’t as lucky. Looking down, all I could see were holes piercing me. I was no longer attached to my body, but the pain still hurt all the same. Why did I crash like that? And why did it hurt so much? I was dead after-all, wasn’t I? There was no other-worldy glow, or darkness. There was just pain; physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Everything hurt all at once, and there was no way to stop it from continuing.

Alarm plays, its now 5:10am. Tears in my eyes, and pain all over, the first thought that came to mind was her, and my body tightened even more. Hours later, and it still lingers throughout my being.

Willing to go beyond the distance needed, required or desired, and I’m still going, still pushing a broken body to its limits. I am doing what others simply stop and ask, “how?”. They are perplexed by my drive to keep going, my ability to keep adapting when all else seems lost. They don’t understand how I can put in the extra hours each day working, jump on a bus for the same amount of time, drive for hours to spend even more time with a ball of energy given feet, travel by bus once again, just to come back to the same level of work as was being done prior. They don’t understand the dedication that drives me from the inside out, that allows me to focus all of my energy into multitudes of tasks never missing a beat. How can one person do all these things, and still support the weight of the world bearing down on his shoulders? How does he function without burning out?

It’s the drive within, the waltz at the center of what is me. It allows me to do all those things, and then more. It offers me the ability to dream beyond dreams, inspiring with gentle suggestions. It’s what drives the love felt for another, and the willingness to make sacrifices at will.

Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you can see this fire burning in my eyes…

In These Arms

Within these arms
You felt a sense of completeness
Your worries faded away
A new security was found
With happiness to be had

You pulled me in close
Scared of the world
Tired of all the pain
But I couldn’t take it away
Only give it a place to lay

I rush to you
That ill fated morning
Came to your calling
Kept you warm
Kept you safe
So you could escape

You trusted me
When all was lost
I fell for you
As you did too
Never counting the cost

Moments we shared
Mean mountains to me
From where I’d still stand
Whisper in your ear
My love for you to the world

You clung to me hard
My arms wrapped around
Lowered your guard
Took mine completely down
As we both roar’d

It was childish
It was fun
It was true love
No other way to begun
Webs that we spun

In my arms you are safe
Empty they’re now
Come back to this place
And all we have done
I miss the smile of your face
From the beauty of the soul

In these arms you’re still at home
Forgiven for what’s misdone
You’ll always have my love
In your arms I feel safe
They comfort like my own

Happy Twenty Seventh

The year, 1985. The month, October. The day, Friday, the 13th. Happy twenty seven years together mom and dad. Or at least it would have been were you still alive to celebrate it this year dad.

The past four years have seen many ups and many downs since your passing. You’ve missed many great times, and many sad times. You missed my college graduation one year later. And my struggle to find a decent job, until finding a great one, and the first vehicle I’ve owned crapping out on the interstate. You’ve missed meeting people who have become wonderful, and best friends, that have helped pick me up when completely down. You’ve missed the birth, and last three years of your granddaughter’s life. Don’t worry though, she is growing up to be an amazing little girl, even under the circumstances being faced. You’ve missed meeting the first woman in years to have captured my heart, and who has come to accept me and all my faults.

Mom and sis miss you more each day, all of us hoping to hear the doorknob turn, and watch you walk in, but we know it will never happen. We’ve all been through hells that have tested everything thats kept us together, almost completely losing one another for ever. We’re managing, day by day, slowly trying to keep it together. It hasn’t been easy.

It would have been twenty seven years together, you and mom this year. Sadly you don’t see that anymore in life, and at times its discouraging. But you taught me without having to say anything at all, the one thing that I’ve held closest to my heart, that you commit, and follow through to the end. You give it your all, success or failure, and you only regret not having tried it. And over the many years spent together, you’ve dealt with many up and downs with mom, but neither of you have ever given up on the other. So without words, but with actions, you’ve taught me the one thing that I want to experience most in life. I want to be able to find someone to love, and share my life with, with the same passion that you and mom shared; that no matter how tough it gets, you fix the problems, not give up and walk away.

I know I’ve made mistakes in my life, and have another life to whom I am responsible before my time, but I haven’t given up. I am doing my best, giving it my all. And I thank you for instilling that quality in me, among many others.

So happy twenty seventh anaversary to you and mom. I only wish to be able to experience the joys you have one day, from being married to the same woman these many years, and having raised a family with her, to the personal triumps you have overcome.

Miss and love you dad. And thanks for all you’ve taught and inspired in me.

How?

How do you let the woman you love just walk away? How do you walk away from her when asked? How do you give her the space and time she’s asked for to find herself? How do you do all if this knowing how hard, deep, and passionately you love her? How do you do this knowing she may never come back to you once she has found what she’s looking for? How do you allow your heart to commit suicide?

Its not easy, but you do it because she’s asked you to. You do it because you have the love shared, the memories created in your time together, and the hope that above all else, the love shared will still be there pulling her to you. You walk away knowing in your mind that its the right thing to do, giving her what is most important to her right now. And you walk away feeling like the world you’ve come to build together is slowly being torn into a million pieces, just as your heart is. But above all the feelings of heartache, all the anger and anguish of being helpless, you realize that the harder you push, the harder she pushes back.

Sometimes you just have to let them go, keeping the happy memories they gave you, forgiving the bad ones made, letting the love shared slowly fade into the background. You remember them for what they gave, and what they showed you about yourself. You let the feelings held for them live on in the memories of your heart, but you don’t forget them, you don’t hate them. You continue to love them, but in a different, evolved way.

And the hope that you ultimately hold on to, as though life itself depends upon it, you hold onto trying to save your heart from having to seperate from the one its grown close to. So you do what she’s asked of you while holding onto the hope that the love shared will remain, and that what you know to be true in your heart, is shared with hers. But while you hold on to the hope, you begin to let go, realizing that you can’t force anything, no matter how much its killing you inside, which just kills you harder.

So I will hold onto the hope, trusting in my heart that it knows what its doing. I will wait with heart in hand, wait to see if she’ll take it to keep, or ask me to give it to another. But either way, there was a friendship forged before romance that can live on afterwards. As friend, and romantic partner, giving her what she’s asked for, what she needs and wants, is giving her everything in the world, the greatest sacrifice one can offer. It hurts like hell having to do this, but sometimes that’s the price paid to have known the love of another, and to have been in love yourself.

Stealer of Heart

To the woman who manages to steal my frozen heart, I must warn. There is a curse that has been set upon it so many centuries ago, by another who tried as well. She stole my heart so long ago, and cursed it be frozen. It has sat since then, a mass suspended in ice no fire could warm. The heart that is seen, broken in two, was only recently grown, the day she was born. The one you must steal is much harder to find since the other is hers. But more than just find, I ask of you this, will you melt it completely, set it free from its death.

The journeys road, long and tiresome, to be filled with musings of words and feelings, shall be one not traveled yet before. This road is newly built, each day being added to by you. May this road continue to expand onward, never breaking, only bending.

To you I shall honor, cherish, and hold close as no other has or will be again.