How do you tell yourself that everything will be okay in the end? How do you tell yourself that it’s really over? How do you force yourself to stop fighting for something you know in your heart is where you are supposed to follow, and ultimately be? How do you put those feelings aside, and let them slowly fade away into the nothingness, when they’re all you think about during your waking and sleeping life?
In a dream, an ambulance racing through traffic in an emergency, crashed head-on into cement-encased steel barriers. No one else was hurt in the crash, but I was the one driving; I crashed head-on into them. There’s no way to survive something like that, and moments later, I was standing behind the wreckage, watching the passenger, who was being rushed away, get pulled out without a scratch on him. I however, wasn’t as lucky. Looking down, all I could see were holes piercing me. I was no longer attached to my body, but the pain still hurt all the same. Why did I crash like that? And why did it hurt so much? I was dead after-all, wasn’t I? There was no other-worldy glow, or darkness. There was just pain; physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. Everything hurt all at once, and there was no way to stop it from continuing.
Alarm plays, its now 5:10am. Tears in my eyes, and pain all over, the first thought that came to mind was her, and my body tightened even more. Hours later, and it still lingers throughout my being.
Willing to go beyond the distance needed, required or desired, and I’m still going, still pushing a broken body to its limits. I am doing what others simply stop and ask, “how?”. They are perplexed by my drive to keep going, my ability to keep adapting when all else seems lost. They don’t understand how I can put in the extra hours each day working, jump on a bus for the same amount of time, drive for hours to spend even more time with a ball of energy given feet, travel by bus once again, just to come back to the same level of work as was being done prior. They don’t understand the dedication that drives me from the inside out, that allows me to focus all of my energy into multitudes of tasks never missing a beat. How can one person do all these things, and still support the weight of the world bearing down on his shoulders? How does he function without burning out?
It’s the drive within, the waltz at the center of what is me. It allows me to do all those things, and then more. It offers me the ability to dream beyond dreams, inspiring with gentle suggestions. It’s what drives the love felt for another, and the willingness to make sacrifices at will.
Sometimes, if you’re lucky, you can see this fire burning in my eyes…