Frozen Heart

Screaming baby in my arms fighting sleep. Steady breathing and calming heartbeat as I comfort him. My mind is racing with thoughts as my body is on auto-pilot. Stare out the window catch the setting sun light up the clouds in red. Such a beautiful view, reminds me of you. Caught myself thinking of you again, but when will it end?

Heard it again the other day, seems so random and out of the blue. Fussy baby slowly drifts to sleep in my arms so peacefully. Told they can’t figure out why I’m this way. That any woman would be lucky to have me in their life. Overhear them say I should have my own since it just seems natural that way.

Overwhelming fear washed over me standing there. Thinking of you together with me and all the things that could be. Unable to deal in the moment, focused on the crying for my system reset. Feeling of restlessness quelled for now though thoughts of you still linger on. Trapped sense felt as I’m forced to live in two thought streams at all times. The one I can be happy in spent with you and one where I’m barely existing from day to day.

But little do they know that inside this overly warm and gentle being is a heart frozen. So long ago as time has passed slowly for me was it cut off. Shattered it became, so unbearable for me that no other solution would work. So it remains now in a suspended state frozen in time. Decade past, yet still feels like yesterday.

Living with my frozen heart, unwilling to be with another, comfort in this solitude. Daily mental war between what is and could be. Most days left feeling hopeless, tired of existing, though some nights seem to warm my heart. As I’m lost in dreams of you, fantasies of happiness abound, set my soul at ease. Some days life is more bearable.

I won’t rush into anything, slowly let my frozen heart recover from all the pain. Will it be you who is able to melt it? Are you going to be worth it, for me to risk everything? Is there to be a time I have a peaceful mind with you by my side? For now I think I shall continue to dream and hide these confusing feelings deep inside.

One day soon I do hope to show you everything was worth it. Until then I shall continue to wait on my frozen heart…

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