Giving Up

I must warn you, for if you continue to read, you will surely discover some truly sad and dishonorable things. For this I am truly sorry: I have given up. Please know that this is not your fault; that you had no part in my coming to this decision. I have given many months spent alone with no more than my own mind; my own fears and concerns. I thought I was strong, strong enough to continue without letting up. I have put up a good fight, but alas am no longer able to continue this fight. I am sorry. I know you will question yourself as to what made me go this way, what caused me to snap after all these months. It may be of little value to tell you that the truth, simply was time. Time spent alone without any release of emotion, of fear and of love. Time has ultimately killed me and caused me to give up. But do not worry, for you are and always will be loved. You see, there are people in this world who can shut down everything and block out what it means to be human. I was once like on of those people; I could shut out everything that made me think, everything that made it too hard to focus on the little things in life. I had shut out the one person who could and should have been able to see the real me. She had fallen in love with a creature who, for whatever reason, never returned that love, never expressed it to her; at least not in a way that she was able to understand completely. She had given both of us the things we had only ever wanted, a companion who could understand the other, be there when needed. We had been there for each other, but somewhere that all changed. Somewhere, we both forgot what it meant to be there for someone other than ourselves. For these last few months things have gotten quieter, more bearable in some ways. The hostility seemed to have left the air and now the only thing that seems to remain is a cold distance, stares and an unrelenting silence. Some things in life as you will ultimately find, are bearable to live with, but others, others are not so. The silence shared between the two of us is one of those things that have become unbearable; at least in my mind anyway. How we both got this way, to where we stand today eludes my memory. It feels the more I think about it, the less I actually come to learn and the less there is to remember. Everything begins to blur together, into one giant ball of dust. I have been dealt some pretty hefty blows over the years, but I believe this one will remain at the top of that list for many years to come. There is a fear inside of me that has kept me from expressing how I feel about her; it is a fear that I have carried around within me since I was young and it seems as time continues to tick away, this fear grows and sinks deeper into my very being. I hope for a way to stop it from spreading, but each passing day and each passing thought about the life that still hangs in the balance allows it to grow stronger. Communication may be the only thing that will stun its growth and given enough time maybe, just maybe that fear will be replaced by a stronger emotion, one that will transcend into the very depths of my being and fill it with hope and love. But I can only hope and dream, for the future as far as my eye can see, looks everlasting masked in silence. Though there will be many years to come, each filled with their own joys and sorrow, one thing will remain the same: this love and joy I feel towards you. Though I do not know you and have not set sight upon you, I love you with the depth of my heart. I will always be there for you when you need; I will always be there for your mother when she needs; I will always be there for your sisters and brothers when they need. And no matter what happens, I will always love you all without question, second thought or action. You are my world, no matter how chaotic, big or small it may be, you define it.